Jason's Daily Notes

I deactivated my Facebook profile.

Going into the weekend, I thought that I would spend Sunday on a day trip to Aachen, or somewhere.

Saturday, I was a bit productive. I jogged. Not inspired to go shopping, I stayed in for the day. I went to Kaiser's to do my weekly shopping. I did, however, finally clean up my apartment. I mopped the floor, wiped down my kitchen, rearranged some furniture, and cleaned the bathroom. I also washed my shower curtains.

I have gotten into watching movies (finally - I have a lot, years' worth, to catch up on). I watched The Ides of March, Captain America: The First Avenger, and a couple episodes of Modern Family.

Downloaded some new apps too.

Slept well.

Sunday, I jogged - to Grunerstraße and back. Watched (finally, after 11 years) Finding Nemo, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and then I walked to the Hauptbahnhof.

I needed to pick up my personal Drive-Now access ID. This would allow me to use Drive Now, a ridesharing company. After over a month of waiting, I finally was free to go there. So I walked, dodging the warm burning sunlight along the way. I easily found the Sixt Rent-A-Car, and then I whip out my passport. "Do you live here in Germany?" she asks (in German). After I answer in the affirmative, then she immediatly demands my Anmeldungbescheinigung. Which I didn't have, and there was absolutely no warning that I needed it. I had brought my passport, my drivers license, and my debit card, as I was supposed to. But NO, she would not hear my pleas. Fuck, I was pissed. I stormed off and walked home angry. I just wanted my money back.

Came back home and watched Exit Through the Gift Shop. Waited for my Couchsurfer, if he would even show up. Meh.

My life is work. Again, I feel that I can't keep up with all that I need to do. Today, our rep from Googl is visiting the office, so I'll be occupied showing him around and bringing him to/from meetings. I also have to bring him to lunch and go out for the obligatory after-work drinks.

It's a bit much for me. I get exhausted from too much social interaction.

Yesterday was a day of work. I had Kila's Heads Up meeting, which required some preparation. I also had to prepare an onboarding presentation, which required more preparation.

Anyway, I slept from 9:30pm to 6:45am. So I'm well-rested.

I stayed late at work last night - until 10:15pm. I was working on my presentation for my semi-annual performance review. I actually was happy that I did, because I reflected on my contributions to the company and to my team, and on my personal (career) goals. It made me feel good, because I think that I am doing a good job and that I actually enjoy my work. (If I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't stay so late all the time.)

But so much for my weekly resolution to finish work before 6pm each day.

I am trying to be more outgoing/smile to people more. I'm still reading (slowly) How to Win Friends and Influence People and it's teaching me to focus on other people's perspective and focus on their needs.

Otherwise, not much happened at work, just the usual optimizing campaigns. I'm preparing for Gerald's visit on Friday. We had a team lunch with the "new guy" Joe. But the Portuguese place was closed, so we just ordered in Chinese food.

It was also Stephan's last day with us. We had a goodbye at 5:30pm. Good guy; I wish him well as he finishes his thesis in France.

Back home (at 10:30pm), I finished my leftover cevapcici and rice while watching another episode of Homeland. I'm getting used to this life (living alone). I'm learning to let go of my fussy expectations to be with friends all the time; I'm learning to live my own life and to not be dependent on Mike (or whomever else). After all, I'll be moving onwards on my own, for the rest of my life. It was stupid of me to expect Mike to be with me each step of the way.

This morning, my alarm went off mid-dream again (6:37am), and I snoozed back to sleep for another half an hour. I adjusted my alarm back 15 minutes to better sync my sleep schedule. I got ready and jogged to the Hofgarten (which is all barricaded up as they continue to clean it up). I calculated (using the Moves app) that I am running about an 8 minute mile (2.8km in 15 minutes) which is not bad. However, today I'm feeling sore in the legs; hopefully continuing to exercise helps with that.

Anyway, off to work - Yildiz is preparing Frühstuck for us! (Also her last week...)

Back to work yesterday.
Mike returned from his camping trip. He was looking good - tan, happy, and I have noticed that he's getting more fit; his arms are getting muscular.
I am keeping up with work.
Met with Kila - discussed projects. I think I have been falling behind as a supervisor; I have neglected to give her enough interesting work.

Back home. I cooked cevapcici with peas/carrots and rice. Was good. Watched Hunger Games: Catching Fire but I was only paying half attention.

Distracted myself with hookup apps, etc., but still nothing caught on.

My apartment is lonely. I really wish I had a roommate. I only want Mike as my roommate. I still feel rejected by him, when I think about what good friends we were before.

I feel antisocial. Like there's no point in me socializing with anyone. I am not the sunny, happy, spontaneous person I used to be. As I was falling asleep, I thought about 1 year ago, when we went to the swimming pool in Flingern. There, I (along with Emilio, Mike, and Daniel) jumped off the 10m board. That's like jumping off a 4 story building! It was terrifying, but I did it. I cannot imagine doing that anymore. What has happened to me?!

I set my alarm earlier (6:37) but it woke me up mid-dream, so I was extra groggy. I jogged this morning (usual 15 minute run), this time to Nordstraße and back. My legs are getting sore; it's hard to motivate myself to work out.

Anyway, off to work!

It's 7:45am. I just went for a jog, and it started pouring rain during my run. I came back tot eh apartment soaked and sweaty. The sweat was also pouring out of my pores.

I'm hoping the rain will die down, for at least a little bit, so I can ride my bike to work.

My weekend was relatively boring. Stayed inside. I organized my bedroom, including rearranging the furtiture. I now have space for a couch.

It was a hot and sunny weekend. But I didn't go outside. I didn't want my skin to get any darker.

I am trying to be a better person, but I'm finding it difficult. Again, it all depends on Mike. He went camping this weekend with some friends back in the Netherlands, and he even went sailing. I should be happy that he had a good time, but I find myself falling back into jealousy. I almost booked a flight to Spain this weekend just to "one-up" him.

Part of me thinks that I should withdraw (even further) from my coworkers and all the work activities we have. Because I just feel bad that I am so left out of it all the time. Düsseldorf is not my life; my life is in California. (Well, no it's not, my life is here now, but I often feel like my "life" is elsewhere, which drives me to travel and move away again.)

Anyway, looking forward to this week. What will be my detox? No hesitation. No complaining. No posting on Facebook. No smartphone. No staying late at work. Let's see how this goes.

Work. 10am. Waited over 30 minutes for my laptop to startup.
Had the weekly "team America" meeting.
I'm not sure if I'm doing so well at my job. I'm worried that I'm doing a shitty job.

Finished work around 6pm; I was determined to go home "on time" for once, but I just kept on answering emails and called my mom (to say hi). Some close family friends are having serious health problems. And I need to face it - my parent's generation is old and at the age when they start passing away :(

There was the expat meetup tonight. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go; just going home and being lazy was an appealing option. But the weather was so nice, and I was still in a "yes man" kind of mood after the last weeks, so I did go. (I almost backed out and went home when my way was blocked by the Rollnacht group). But I did go - it was outside Uerige. The crowd was largely people in Düsseldorf for short-term work assignments, many from India. A couple of people were planning to stay long term.

Some people I met:
Nandy from India. Studied/lived in Frankfurt and now works for Accenture in Düsseldorf
Montsé (Monteserrat?) and her husband Luís, from Mexico (Cancún). They almost lived in Norway but instead came here when Montse got a job.
Elli from Lebanon. Montse's coworker.
Maria - born and raised in Germany but of Greek descent. She is trnasitioning to "be he own boss" as a part of a network marketing scheme.
Two guys from India who work for Ericsson (only here for 3-6 months) and live in the same apartment building.

In the end, I'm glad I went to the meetup. It feels good to meet people, even if they are just one-off meetings. :)

It's exactly 7 years since 7/7/07 :)

Monday at work.

I spent the morning dealing with the aftermath of our 4th of July party. Iris was very pissed off (and rightfully so) because there was a shopping cart left on the 6th floor, along with melted ice cream in the kitchen, which Anton had to clean. I was chasing everyone for their receipts and trying to calculate the total amount to be reimbursed. Was a mess.

Everyone was feeling a bit down today. Yildiz told me "I'm glad I went to Kaiser's alone, because I'm not in a good mood."

Kila has decided to join our trip to Serbia this week! She's coming on Friday with Patrick (first to Budapest, then meeting us in Novi Sad).

I couldn't focus that much on work.

Mike came over to my place after work, and I made him sloppy joes. It was an outcome of last week's "Yes week". It was another gezelig evening. He ended up going through my Tinder and saying yes/no :) I was able to open up to him about sex life (a bit) and all that. Felt good - like my best friend was back, though not as intense as our friendship was before.

And because I write so many emails each day, I'm tempted to end this post as follows:

Best,
Jason

This week, my "detox" was threefold: Wake up every day at 6:45am; go for a run in the morning; and fast (not eat anything before 1pm, aka "intermittent fasting").

The results were immediate! On Sunday, I was up early and decided to go for a jog around the Zoopark. I did not eat anything afterwards, but wow, I had so much energy and felt so good! I didn't know whether to attribute it to the fasting or to the exercise, so I decided to stick with both.

So, everyday I have been jogging, either around the Zoopark, Hofgarten, or along the new development/park area next to the train tracks (Toulouser Allee). I have felt so much better physically. I felt that it also strengthened my self-discipline (which I know I lack).

However, this all came crashing down on Thursday, when the US played Germany, and I succumbed to the hedonistic drinking lifestyle. I was also resentful at Mike and Toby for not inviting me out the night before (they joined the APAC team event). I ended up breaking down and feeling depressed again. Which was unexpected but came over me like a wave.

Anyway, a day-by-day breakdown of the week:
(Saturday, 21 June - walked to uRepair and got my phone fixed).

Sunday, 22 June
Woke up early. Jogged around the Zoopark. Went to the office and got some work done (all before 12:00). Organized my room/apt a bit more. Walked around the new development, discovered a lot of cool apartment buildings. Did not stay up late to watch the US-Portugal game (which I regretted; it was apparently a good game, and we should have won!).

Monday, 23 June
Jogged around Hofgarten at 7am. Trees still down everywhere. Work. Kila is away the whole week, so I have to do all the daily tasks for both of us. This is a bit overwhelming, and I am only getting 20% of my work done.

Tuesday, 24 June
Jogged around Toulouser Allee.

Wednesday, 25 June
Workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...

Thursday, 26 June
USA vs Germany! Final game of the group stage. Watched at the office. Sat with Justin; Syd and Sara and the Canadians in front. Patrick and I were wearing the flags.
Went to Altstadt afterwards; I stubbornly insisted on Space Burger because everyone else was insisting on going to some beef brothers place that I had never heard of. Nick joined us.
Mike went home; I had texted him some hateful things.
Met with Kate and her new friends (from the expat group) Leanna and ...?

Friday, 27 June
No jogging; slightly hung over.Stressful day at work. Had to finish everything before 2pm because of this product brainstorming meeting. Thomas pulled me out of the meeting to pack our stuff (we needed it done before 5pm). I was so angry. I needed to stay at the office until late to get my work done. I finished packing, waited until everyone else left, then I biked home alone.

Watched more Community.
Downloaded some apps to promote/boost my twitter, instagram, and (the company's) Tumblr. Also got on Tinder.

Saturday, 28 June
Stayed at home. Did my groceries and then it started raining. Win. Jogged around Zoopark.