Jason's Daily Notes

I haven't updated in a while. I have been traveling a lot in the last month (Madrid, working from Palma, offsite workshop, and a gezelig weekend in Cochem), and I am not recording my experiences! Bad.

Let's start with this past weekend.
Friday (28 November).
It was the day after Thanksgiving; but there was no Thanksgiving celebration for me in Germany. It was Nick's last day, which didn't feel so sad, but there was a slight unspoken tension in the air. At 4pm we decorated the Christmas tree by the team's table. But I didn't really participate - just had a delicious cookie. A huge after-work party was planned, which was great. We had drinking games (rolling dice, King's cup, beer pong) and a tequila table. Oh my. When the group headed to the Altstadt, I peeled off to get some noodles and then walked home.

(29-30 November).
Bernadet and Thijs invited me to join them, as she had won a weekend at a holiday resort in Cochem, which is located along the Mosel valley in the beautiful wine-growing region of Germany. I took the train there on Saturday morning (fighting my hangover) and arrived at 2pm. Of course the train was delayed (which was ok because I was already running late to the Hbf), and this led to me missing my connection in Koblenz. But no problem.

Bernie and Thijs picked me up with their friend Jacco and we drove up into the surrounding mountains to the resort. The weather was chilly (about 4°C) and dreary. But we didn't plan outdoor activities. The others (Alai, Laura, and Elise) were there. We started by exchanging Sinterklaas gifts, which was a fun game that involved rolling dice, switching/stealing/unwrapping gifts, and 3 rounds.

We also went swimming in the indoor pool; had an amazing dinner made on their raclette; played Twister; played several rounds of Singstar (ABBA and 90s) and ended up watching De Marathon, a good Dutch movie set in Rotterdam. Passed out.

Sunday; woke up and everyone else was already downstairs (9am) having breakfast. We drove into the cty and checked out the Christmas Markets.

Returned home around 6pm. I cut my hair (I was doing no-shave November) but tried not to make it too short; I just wanted it not to get messed up whenever I wore a cap or beanie.

Monday, 1 December.
It's cold. 0-3°C this whole week.
I shaved; end of no-shave November for my face. I'm glad that the stubborn cold sore is away from my chin/lip.
Slept early (around 10pm) until nearly 8am. So I'm very well-rested.
Had to walk to the office.
My laptop programs wouldn't start correctly. There was an update to Office 360 that didn't complete somehow.
Lunch with Francesco - Douro. Was good to catch up; it has literally been months.
Stopped by Woolworth's on the way home; bought gloves and clear tape.
Cooked beef with broccoli, and rice.
Watched House of Cards s2 e5. Getting more into it.

Tuesday, 2 December
Work.
Had lunch (leftover beef with broccoli) at my desk. Did not go out shopping for winter clothes, as I had originally planned.
Had my GDN call. Met with Jon to discuss current efforts. Sent an assertive email to Matt at Y.
Forgot that I signed up for the academy; so I rushed over stressed at 18:15.
Biked home. My new gloves were too thin so my hands were freezing.
Boiled pasta and watched some Amazing Race. Also gave feedback on Luiza's application/CV.
2 weeks until I'm back in LA! Exciting.

Wednesday, 3 December
Team event (Brazilian food + Christmas market) tonight.

I just returned (late last night) from a semi-spontaneous weekend in Madrid. It was nice.

I traveled by myself for the first time in a long time, and it did feel a bit lonely at times, so I was desperate to meet people. I did meet some people from the free tour and corresponding pub crawl (with free shots in every bar).

Weird thing, I brought my laptop but it didn't work at all there. But now, back in Germany my laptop works! Woot. I was convinced that I would need to order a new laptop asap. Oh well, good for me :)

Yesterday, the last day in Madrid, I met up with Viola from CS. We alked around, grabbed lunch, then went on a quest to find a beer mat (coaster), which required some creativity. We then went to the airport together. It was a great day!

My mom is off to Mexico now for a 4-day cruise. She's really into taking cruises now whenever she travels; fancy!

I missed halloween, but that was sort of the plan. I knew I couldn't deal with the stress of finding a creative costume.

My plan for this week is to have my own douchebag jar; I'll put money into it whenever I say/do something rude or insensitive, make fun of other people, or whenever I have a stress attack, or whenever I needlessly complain. Let me see how it goes :)

Ok back to work. It's cold and rainy here :(

Returned from the trivago trip exhausted.

Work was obviously slow on Monday. But I wasn't actually hungover, just incredibly sleep deprived. I fell into the habit of sleeping 9-12 hours each night. I want to wake up earlier, but it doesn't help that the sun rises later (7:30-8am) each day, so my body doesn't wake up until 9:30 or so.

The week was pretty repetitive; getting work done each day, coming home around 7pm and cooking some pasta dinner (Thurs and Fri I had fishsticks) and watching an episode or two of Modern Family before passing out around 10:30pm. I also became a bit more addicted to the 8 Ball Pool game on my phone. I felt myself becoming a little sick, so I took it easy and didn't participate in any sport activities this week.

My videos of the trip (specifically of the train ride back) were shared multiple times, which is very cool.

On Tuesday, we had a publisher visit. She (Lyvia) and her colleague Julia took us (me, Carl, Abhinav) out to dinner and drinks - we ended up at Zum Schlüssel. Was nice but did feel a bit forced. I learned that Lyvia lived in L.A. for some time to pusue her acting/modeling (even though she's short).

After that, I stayed in Altstadt to meet up with the two Couchsurfers (!) that I was hosting: Liza and Tony, from Iowa. They were nice; two Americans traveling as much of Europe as they can in a month. I tried to hold my condescending tone toward Iowa but I couldn't help but make fun of it. We had a beer on the Rheintreppen. It was pretty sketchy. But there, I made two friends: Nico (who studies in Maastricht but is in Düsseldorf for an apprenticeship at the Hyatt hotel where he can take things from their high-profile guests, very outgoing and entrepreneurial guy) and Özgür, his friend. We swapped numbers, and Nico ended up calling me every day afterwards to see what's up.

Tony and Liza left the next day, off to Mainz.

The weekend was quiet. I did not stay at the office on Friday, just had a "meeting" to finalize the people traveling to Belgium next weekend.

Saturday, I stayed in. Went for a run (around Zoopark) in the morning. Tidied up a little bit (i.e. did more laundry, including my shoes). Shared some photos with my uncle, who has been asking for them. Tony and Liza returned, but they were exhausted from traveling and drinking all day in Cologne. So we all just passed out early. They had to leave at 6:30am to catch their flight to London from Weeze, so I didn't properly get to say bye to them.

I realized that I could run out of money at the rate I'm spending; especially with all the travel I have lined up in the next few months. Sadly, I'm not earning that much.

Sunday, also stayed in. But I was feeling a bit healthier, so I went for another run (along the Wehrhahn/triangle route) and did some workouts.

I met up with Nico in the evening. I went to his place in Bilk, met his flatmate Jonathan (who is starting his first day of school, studying social work, the next day), and we then kicked around the football (soccer ball) for a bit, just behind the Bilker Arkaden. And played some basketball (horse) with Jonathan too. Cool guys. I had a pizza with Nico and he showed me how he has gotten into DJing in the last year, which is really impressive. And he told me stories of his time in Australia (about 2 years ago), picking up odd jobs and saving lots of money. He also tried to get me into Trailer Park Boys.

Biked back home and passed out solidly.

Last weekend, I was off on the company trip. All 400 full-time employees were invited to join; we piled onto a chartered train from Düsseldorf Hbf which left at 11pm. The train, of course, had an open bar and a dance floor. And WOW - drinking, dancing, and partying on a train is an experience like no other. I totally blacked out. There was a point when I don't remember anything anymore. I woke up (somehow) in my train cabin but in a pool of my own vomit. yuck. It was the combination of all the alcohol and the train's motion that did me in.

It was light out, and we were just arriving in Austria. The train pulled into Zell am See station. The buses were already coordinated, but it still took some time. I was not feeling energetic at all, and my head was still spinning. The last thing I needed was to sit on a bus for 2 hours winding through the mountains of eastern Tirol.

We got to the hotel, which is a luxury resort and spa with modern facilities and many 4-bedroom "chalets", and we only had an hour or two to drop off our stuff in our rooms and have brunch. It was then time for the trivagolympics. And I was a team leader. Ugh. The tasks involved running an obstacle course, swimming across a pond, and identifying herbs. Not that easy. I was just trying to keep composed. My team included Nick, Tasos, Chusin, Anne, and some other girls. I delegated most of the work away.

That afternoon was spent exploring the pool, spa, and saunas. All of which were very nice. For dinner, buses drove us into town and we had a Tirolian dinner (with one barbecue feeding 400 people). The queue was insane. I saw Mike jump to the line immediately, but I thought to wait. People were waiting for over 2 hours for food. I just got salad bar, which was a smart choice, but I was still jealous of Mike and everyone who got to go first. There was a band playing Schlager music for hours; it was too much. Even though they played "Don't Stop Believin'" I just had to get away from it. I went back to the hotel with Toby, Jamie, and Anne, where we chilled. At 1am we took the bus back to the town, where we joined the people walking to the after party, which was cool and less crowded. Stayed there until 3am, when we bused back to the resort.

The next day was "activity day." First, breakfast, which was an amazing meal, especially with the fruit juicer, which saved me. Every morning, I made myself a fresh carrot, apple, and beetroot juice which kept me going and fended off any impending hangover. I then made my way onto the bus that took us to the river rafting. Again, when we got there, I saw Mike walk past everyone to make sure that he was one of the first. Whatever. I didn't want to be pushy and I respected the people who were ahead of me. We got our wetsuits and changed in a big tent, where we left our clothes and stuff. We then walked back toward the river, where we were divided into groups for each raft. I was on a raft with Justin, Danny, Carla, and some other people from content. we were the 4th boat to leave. And it was fun! Also, it was pretty easy. I hoped the rapids would be stronger! We paddled down for about 20 minutes, and then we got to the finish, and there were all the people who had gone biking cheering us on.

We took a bus (with our seats covered in plastic) back to the rafting set up area, got changed, and then had some lunch. Of course Mike was already there eating a schnitzel when we were still walking off the bus. The generator broke, so only the first hundred or so could eat. I was one of the lucky few. I had a beer and chilled on a seat in the garden. Took the bus back to the resort and rested (only had 1 hour) before our evening on top of a mountain.

Yup, for the second night, we ascended on a cable car to the top of a mountain (Adler Lounge, at 2600m). There we had drinks and appetizers. After about an hour, I realized that the appetizers were actually the dinner! It was a "flying dinner," meaning that we just ate standing there with our drinks; the servers just passing us finger food all evening. Blah. Luckily I found us a table in the corner where we could devour all the food that came to us. I took one of the first cable cars back with Yati and Timmo and Christian. We shuttled back to the hotel, where the bar was to be open all night. That meant drinking and swimming in the pool! Much of my team was doing it, especially Thomas who was well gone. Antonis, Robin, and Martin were there alongside Tobi, Yati, and me. I finished and then went upstairs to the dance floor in my bathing robe, which was fun and attention-getting. Woot! Danced for a few hours, then changed and danced a bit more, but we ended around 3:30 (eating some late night food from the cafeteria).

The next day was "hiking day." We assembled outside at 10:30am and separated into groups, I (reluctantly at first) joined the last group, which was the "easy" hiking group. We took the leisurely path, just along a road, into the valley, and we were the first to arrive at the lunch place! So we got served food and did shots of fruity liqueur (we = me, Martin, Maren, Francesco). Then we walked back with the first group; the point was to maximize our time at the spa. Bokyung had a selfie stick that we were taking pictures with. Back at the hotel, more chilling at the spa, a coffee break, then more spa. However, some of our management was already drunk and decided to terrorize everyone in the sauna, etc. Ugh, it was not a pretty sight.

The evening was the formal dinner at the resort, which was really nice. I drew table #25 and sat with Laura, Johanna, Bokyung, Maya, and Kati (?). Then dancing on the dance floor downstairs. Was nice! Drunkenness of course, but that's what the trip's all about. I rested for about and then returned to dance until they kicked us out, which was at 6am. The last hour was heavy rock and moshing; awesome! At 6, I joined an elite group who went into the pool for a swim. Then chilled back at the chalet with Jamie and Dirk. We decided not to sleep, because otherwise we would have missed the buses. So at 7am we went to breakfast, where we got to say goodbye to all the people leaving for Mallorca. Powered through til 9am, when I picked up my bags (and woke up Nick) and jammed into the first bus I saw.

The bus had to stop twice for vomit. We arrived at Zell am See just 2 minutes before the train was to leave. So we had to grab our bags and run onto the train. Was a nightmare, and it was the last thing I needed in my sleep-deprived zombie-like state.

I slept a couple hours on the train. Played some Cards Against Humanity with the other Americans (and I met Paul). Then I joined everyone who was drinking and dancing for the last hour or two back into Düsseldorf. Yes, it was a hangover party but it was amazing. Best way to return!

The trip was constantly being compared to last year's trip to Sardinia. And it was different, but the expectations were nevertheless high. I mean, it's really hard to beat our partying on 3 boats last year, and this year's trip had more "activities" (hiking, rafting, biking, etc.) instead of just pure partying. But I could see that it was more themed and better organized. People did end up drifting off and each doing their own thing (a theme I notice whenever I travel with a group of people, especially the motivated "alpha" types whom I work with), so it's important just to let yourself be and let others do what they want without forcing your way on them.

So, yes, I had fun. Of course. This is my life, and I would feel so much more miserable if I wasn't a part of this :) I'm so glad to have found the life I have.

I'm back in Düsseldorf - this past weekend was spent in London.

London was great, really. I stayed at Ludo's place. I only got to see him the first evening though, as he spent that night at a lady friends' and then was off to France to see family and run an ultra (120+ km) race through the alps! What?!

That night, I went to Walkabout Temple where I met Bernadet and her bf Thijs, and Asia and her bf Peter. Nice guys. We didn't stay too late; just a couple drinks. I checked out Heaven afterwards. Was alright.

Saturday, I met up with Cece and Abhi - we chilled in Hyde Park, sitting down and having some of her tea, talking about life and business - was nice. I then made my way across town and caught up with Sofia in Angel, in a nice pub along the river. She's got a new position as a PA and working her way up into TV production. In the evening, I was free; tried to meet up with some people online but it fell through. I walked through the city in the evening. Didn't go out.

Sunday = Brick Lane sunday. Met Lilly at Liverpool St - she's not very happy, just started studying computer science but was still too entitled to be employable in my opinion. Ziva soon came, with her friend Carli. We walked to Sunday Upmarket, which was not too crowded, and got our food (I chose Vietnamese this time). Luckily it was sunny out so we sat outside. There was Bernadet and Thijs. Shortly thereafter came some of her friends who joined. A friend whose name I forgot. K-man and his wife. We went to the playground. Along the way, we got some free beer (Fosters radler) and free Vitamin Water. Nice!

We then split up and Ziva, Carli, and I went to Notting Hill for the Carnival. The tube was packed, of course, and it was even more crowded at Notting Hill. There was plenty of music, djs, dubstep, reggae, people smoking weed, stands selling jerk chicken for £4-8. Lots of people were also inhaling balloons. Was an experience. We got out after an hour or two, completely beat and exhausted. At Holland Park station, we found free Ben & Jerry's, which they generously heaped onto us! Win. We then split up; I took the bus back to Wandsworth. But it was my last night in London so I wanted to go out. I had a date with Daniel. He is German, so we were speaking German the whole time :/ it was not captivating for me - he didn't drink and was more interested in his shopping and in eavesdropping on other people. We would have at least hooked up if we could have found a private place. So we said goodbye. Instead of going home, I walked around Covent Garden and Leicester Square for one last time. There, I indulged in some cheap fish and chips before walking back to Charing Cross to get my bus home.

Monday, I got up early, bought a couple things from Sainsburys (tea and crumpets and paracetemol), packed up, left a goodbye/thank you message for Ludo, and took the bus(es) to Liverpool Street. Luckily, I had some time to spare, because a tree had fallen on the tracks and cancelled all trains to Stansted! I had a burger at a pub, hoping for the problem to be resolved within an hour, but no luck. So I had to take a bus. It was raining a steady shower, so I waited in poor conditions before finally getting on the bus (it picked up people at Bethnal Green and Stratford, so it was completely packed on the way to the airport).

I got to the airport, with my boarding pass on my phone (first time!) and breezed through security. Had one last cuppa tea :) and made my flight. I continued reading Outliers, which is a really interesting book. Back in Düsseldorf, it was also raining as I biked from the airport home. So I cooked up some of the remaining food (spiced tofu strips with veggies, in a tomato sauce, over macaroni) and slept.

Tuesday - back to work. It was my first day working with Carolyn. I gave the intro to Display presentation. Mike left for Palma around 1pm. (I'm not really caring as much about him as I did before - weird. I guess I finally realize that he doesn't care about me as much as I cared about him, so there's no point in obsessing over him so much.) Didn't even have time to catch up with all the emails. I stayed at the office until 9pm. Nick returned from bouldering (I skipped it because I wasn't feeling healthy) and we left the office together. Watched an episode of Silicon Valley and Modern Family before sleeping.

Wednesday. More work - I got in late, around 10:45 (I'm just waking up later now). Another training session with Carolyn. More catching up. No lunch today. I got a döner on the way home; the guys there were friendly and chatty to me :)

I was browsing and chatting on Tinder and somehow picked up Steffen (V). He came over to my place, we watched some YouTube and he spent the night. :) Did it before bed and upon waking up. Was actually nice, even though he was cut, but is straighter acting which I like. He's also looking for a bf, so we'll see.

Now off to work - it's 10:15. I have gone 2 weeks without grocery shopping and I'm really almost out of food, haha. Tonight is a team event (minigolf and dinner in Cologne).

I left Düsseldorf Friday evening, finishing work shortly after 5pm and stopping by my flat before catching my rideshare at 7pm. The driver was Markus, who works in a bike supershop on the outskirts of Düsseldorf. Also in the car were Sylvia from Barcelona, who works at Henkel alongside Malin from Paris. And there was Jannina from Korschenbroich (Martin's neighbor). 

We were slow getting out of Düsseldorf because the navi wasn't working and we got on the wrong autobahn. We were relying on my phone to navigate, which drained the battery quickly. Finally we got the navi to work. Which involved cutting through Bochum. There were also some strong rainstorms along the way. I fell asleep, Markus drove along to his house/trance music (daft punk remixes) and by 11:30 we were in Hamburg. 

Matze picked me up from Dammtor and walked me to his flat nearby. His regular flatmates were away for the summer, so there are two temporary renters staying there: Mikhail who works as a show presenter, and Stefan who is doing a work placement. Matze is still studying his international program and working as the de facto program director. 

We drank, including shots of Pfefferlinge, then headed out to the Reeperbahn. Mikhail and his friends were all going to a one day metal/heavy rock festival the next day. We started with Mexikaner shots at Hamburger Berg, then Matze and I lost at kicker and bought Jägermeister. Finally we ended up at the 99 Cent bar near Herbertstraße. 

Returned drunkenly somehow to the flat at 4:30am-ish. Mikhail immediately passed out, while Matze and I smoked a bit before going to bed together. I was surprised by what happened.

It was around 2pm when we were awake and up again. Matze made pasta with red pesto because that is all he had. It was too late for Stefan to make it to the museum as he had wanted. So we just went into the city "for a coffee". We took a bus to Junfernstieg, walked around some posh areas, then went into a brew house and had some beer, which was good :). 

Stopped for a fischbrotchen in the Europa-Passage then took the U4 to the new Hafen City area. The uni building was still under construction, and we walked through a couple construction sites along the way. 

We walked, admiring the modern architecture. Decided on the way back to make burgers for dinner :). Walking back, Stefan saw a Cuban bar near home and got a strong craving for mojitos. We bought burger ingredients at Edeka and returned home to cook them. Was nice. I put avocados in the burgers. 

We chilled, finishing our food then having beers while watching Schlag den Star. Matze's friend Jan joined us and to smoke. We went to the Cuban bar, but they were just out of mint so couldn't make any more mojitos. So I had a daiquiri natural which was strong but the drinks all cost € 7.50. 

We got some beers from the kiosk and met Tina and Stephan (Matze's co-students) there. We all walked to the Sternschanze, buying beers in a pizza store and then making our way to the Grüne Jäger bar where we danced for some time. A group of more girls/classmates joined us. The music sucked, so we left after about an hour there. We walked to Hamburger Berg and  continued the evening. In one bar, they were playing Blink-182 and Oasis, and there we had some Mexikaners and ran into Nicky McC from work! What a small world, and I always run into people here! :)

Continued at Sommerstudio or whatever. It was packed. It was 4am and people were going home. We had lost Stefan to KFC. We took the U-Bahn back, saying bye to the girls in the process, and walked home. Stefan was in the U-Bahn with us. Same as the night before, Matze and I smoked up and then went to bed together. 

Got up at 10:30 due to my alarm. Matze missed his 12pm appointment, so I said bye and found my Rideshare which was leaving from U-Mundsburg. There was a lot of traffic on the ride back, and I was too tired to make conversation with either Reike (the driver who is a teacher) or Asaf (?). We were delayed over an hour due to the traffic backup. 

It's exactly 11 years since I got my driver license.

My life is work.

Robin Williams died two days ago. It's really a big deal, since he committed suicide. Everyone back home seems to be shocked and hit hard by the news. And it seems like people are talking about depression more openly, which is cool.

I have been thinking about home a lot lately. I want to make another business trip there. I can't wait for Christmas. I am thinking about what kind of job I can take back in L.A., and how much I would get paid, etc.

I feel myself reverting to the introverted, shy guy that I used to be before I became all outgoing and international. It makes me sad.

Played beach volleyball last night. Mike was at a team event so he didn't come.

On Tuesday, I didn't go to squash. Because I was expecting our publisher (IM) who was visiting to take me out to dinner. But no, "I'm here with my boyfriend; where do you recommend we go?"

Yesterday we drew the rooms for the company trip. And be "we" I mean Toby. I am doing nothing for it. I feel like an appendage that it just dangling on to Mike's group. Sigh.

Friday night (August 8th) - I went home after work. I had emailed Carolyn to come to the office and meet people. It was raining so I didn't make it myself. I felt kind of bad.

Saturday - I rested. Cleaned up a bit, as I was expecting a spontaneous date, but no. Around 3:30pm I biked to Real by myself. Mike was just waking up. I wanted to spend the day with him, but I am also being respectful of his distance.

It was the beer pong party. I was worried that I would be a bit late, but it was all cool at the end. I took the train to Cologne, buying a 23 € day pass (thinking I would return that evening). Grabbed the U-Bahn 16 and was soon there. When I got off at the stop, I saw Sarah and Galen who were also on the way to the party! Cool beans.

We found the house (easy to find with the noise emanating onto the street). We were on a terrace/rooftop behind the building; directly adjacent was a hotel restaurant/bar with its patrons looking over jealously at our beer pong setup, compete with authentic red solo cups! I joined one of the teams already (A+ B- J) - Sarah and Perri had just played one game and lost. I had to drink all the beer for them, because Perri wasn't drinking beer :P

The night went on; it was fun. Around 11pm we switched to playing flipcup inside the apartment. Most of the other Americans went home at this point. I stayed. Brogie and Nico said that we (Patrick, Phil, and I) could stay at their place for the night, so we were good to party.

I sort of came out to Phil. He had just asked me, and I just straight up admitted my confusing status quo. Was ok.

We went out to a place on Züplicher; I had forgotten my wallet so Brogie was my sugar mama for the evening. We then went to another club where Brogie's friend was working there. It was a big dance floor downstairs. Cool place. Phil was necking with some girl and chatting up her sister. We kept doing shots of Jäger.

Stumbled back to the apartment, nabbing a döner along the way. Was heavy. Passed out.

With the windows closed, it was hot and we were sweaty when we woke up. Pat, Phil, and I stumbled out around 11am, letting Brogie and Nico sleep.

Hangover day. Ugh. Watched 22 Jump street. Tried to secure another date, but that didn't work. I smoked a little j, finished eating the beef with broccoli that I had made, watched some Bill Maher, and then went to bed and finally got some quality sleep.

I just woke up - 8:55am. Dreamed that I was back in California, Orange County/Playa Vista/Manhattan Beach specifically, just to set up a new trivago office there. It looked exactly like the Sky Office in layout. My new Canadian girl Carolyn was to start, but I couldn't find her. Gaby Gunther visited and I confused her for Carolyn. We were supposed to sign her notebook (?). I was running around stressed with work and Brian was also bugging me to hang out.

My dreams are not interesting. They are just a mashup of things going on in my life. But I used to have interesting dreams. Is this because my life/mind is no longer interesting? WTF.

Jogged around Zoopark. Did some more exercises (really trying to get my core/abs in shape) at home, and then I did some grooming (hair on head and on body) before showering.

I really need to stop fixating on everything I don't have. Specifically, I need to let go of the fact that I want everything that Mike has (or that Mike gets what I want before I know I want it).

I am sore. And tired. After playing squash for the first time on Tuesday night, and beach volleyball for the first time this year yesterday night, and then going out for a heavy dinner and drinks last night....

Last night was crazy. One of our publishers was visiting from London (with her colleague from Boston), so we had the obligatory evening out for drinks. There also happened to be the spokesperson for our company ("Mr trivago") who was out drinking with some of our management, and well, let me say that things were messy. It was a spectacle, and fun to see. I left before it got too late.

There was also the new people's team event there, and I saw Jayda and Sam (the two newbies).

Today, I woke up at 8:30 and was too tired/sore to go for a morning jog.

Off to work. Another busy day. Too much. Calls, setting up tests, etc.

My resolution is to leave before 6pm everyday, and today I made it out at 5:58. Plan was to have dinner with Mike.

But Mike texted me - "Bea and I want to have a beer". He knows that I have been planning all week to spend the evening with him, and I have asked him if he wants a beer, and he says no. And then when Bea asks, he says yes? WTF. I can tell that he no longer wants to hang out with me; he only is guilted into hanging with me.

Anyway, he's on his way here now. I cooked schnitzel and frozen veggies. I should keep my mouth shut and not erupt into emotion as I was prone to do.

I woke up mid-dream (dreaming that I was with friends and trivago people in some sort of education system, in between a high school and a summer camp). I decided not to go for my morning run; instead, I had a cup of instant coffee and spent and hour tagging people in the big Sicily Facebook photo album, and posting that album.

Got to work around 9:30. Was busy, non-stop, keeping up with campaigns. 

For lunch we had a welcome BBQ in the park for the 3 new display teammates (Sara, Saff, and Fani) and for the two new Americans (Sam and Jayda the Canadian). I was frantically trying to find them before lunch; they were just in a meeting that went long. The BBQ itself was nice; it was warm and sunny, and we'd have enough blankets after all. 

The rest of the afternoon was stressful. I was trying to take care of everything myself, which I simply did not have time to do. Had my call with Gerald. And before I knew it, it was already time to leave for Squash. 

Mike and Anna biked faster than me. I could tell that they were very flirty with each other. It was a 30 minute bike ride to Cosmo Sports; we got changed and waited for Dirk to arrive in his car with the girls (Julia, whom I met, and Tina) and Phil. 

Mike taught me the rules as he was warming up the ball. I played with the girls and with Dirk, who was the only challenge I had. It was good. 

We finished, showered with Mike and Dirk, and biked back with Mike and Anna. They were quiet and tired on the way back, but I was energetic and floating on post-workout endorphins. Mike did not want me to come over to his place, again. "Thursday," he said. 

Back home. I watched two episodes of Homeland (finished season 3; all caught up)! And had two pieces of bread. I did not have the willpower to fast. 

Work work work. My life is work. I even dream about work now.

I spent several hours explaining the inner workings of GDN.

What was important about today was that I got a couch! I had found it online, and I organized a transport company to pick it up. Mike helped me. And I got Antonis to help as well. It was not far from the office, just a few blocks away. We helped the guys move some stuff out of their flat (name was Alex, and his friend). The driver was waiting for us. However, he refused to take the 3 of us in his car. This annoyed me. But Mike insisted that it was ok for him to bike to my flat and meet us there. I just saw this as another instance in which I try to do something and it doesn't work out as well.

Anyway, Antonis and I carried two of the pieces up to my flat (the couch came in 2 pieces, and we also had a chest of drawers that I took).

After that, we chilled for a bit in my flat, but I could see that Antonis wanted to go and Mike was only comfortable sitting and looking into his phone.

So we went. To Hirschen. My treat. I was happy to pay for them; I got a bonus after all. I didn't want to feel like bragging/boasting, but I think it came across as that.

At least I got to leave work early (6pm), for the first time in a long time.

I need to:

• Take care of myself (physically and mentally)
• Stay calm. Don't get too excited when in social situations.
• Stop making fun of other people. Even if it is light-hearted, it's still the wrong way to talk about other people.
• Stop feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I'm miserable at times, but I am also having a great life.

I deactivated my Facebook profile.

Going into the weekend, I thought that I would spend Sunday on a day trip to Aachen, or somewhere.

Saturday, I was a bit productive. I jogged. Not inspired to go shopping, I stayed in for the day. I went to Kaiser's to do my weekly shopping. I did, however, finally clean up my apartment. I mopped the floor, wiped down my kitchen, rearranged some furniture, and cleaned the bathroom. I also washed my shower curtains.

I have gotten into watching movies (finally - I have a lot, years' worth, to catch up on). I watched The Ides of March, Captain America: The First Avenger, and a couple episodes of Modern Family.

Downloaded some new apps too.

Slept well.

Sunday, I jogged - to Grunerstraße and back. Watched (finally, after 11 years) Finding Nemo, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and then I walked to the Hauptbahnhof.

I needed to pick up my personal Drive-Now access ID. This would allow me to use Drive Now, a ridesharing company. After over a month of waiting, I finally was free to go there. So I walked, dodging the warm burning sunlight along the way. I easily found the Sixt Rent-A-Car, and then I whip out my passport. "Do you live here in Germany?" she asks (in German). After I answer in the affirmative, then she immediatly demands my Anmeldungbescheinigung. Which I didn't have, and there was absolutely no warning that I needed it. I had brought my passport, my drivers license, and my debit card, as I was supposed to. But NO, she would not hear my pleas. Fuck, I was pissed. I stormed off and walked home angry. I just wanted my money back.

Came back home and watched Exit Through the Gift Shop. Waited for my Couchsurfer, if he would even show up. Meh.

My life is work. Again, I feel that I can't keep up with all that I need to do. Today, our rep from Googl is visiting the office, so I'll be occupied showing him around and bringing him to/from meetings. I also have to bring him to lunch and go out for the obligatory after-work drinks.

It's a bit much for me. I get exhausted from too much social interaction.

Yesterday was a day of work. I had Kila's Heads Up meeting, which required some preparation. I also had to prepare an onboarding presentation, which required more preparation.

Anyway, I slept from 9:30pm to 6:45am. So I'm well-rested.

I stayed late at work last night - until 10:15pm. I was working on my presentation for my semi-annual performance review. I actually was happy that I did, because I reflected on my contributions to the company and to my team, and on my personal (career) goals. It made me feel good, because I think that I am doing a good job and that I actually enjoy my work. (If I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't stay so late all the time.)

But so much for my weekly resolution to finish work before 6pm each day.

I am trying to be more outgoing/smile to people more. I'm still reading (slowly) How to Win Friends and Influence People and it's teaching me to focus on other people's perspective and focus on their needs.

Otherwise, not much happened at work, just the usual optimizing campaigns. I'm preparing for Gerald's visit on Friday. We had a team lunch with the "new guy" Joe. But the Portuguese place was closed, so we just ordered in Chinese food.

It was also Stephan's last day with us. We had a goodbye at 5:30pm. Good guy; I wish him well as he finishes his thesis in France.

Back home (at 10:30pm), I finished my leftover cevapcici and rice while watching another episode of Homeland. I'm getting used to this life (living alone). I'm learning to let go of my fussy expectations to be with friends all the time; I'm learning to live my own life and to not be dependent on Mike (or whomever else). After all, I'll be moving onwards on my own, for the rest of my life. It was stupid of me to expect Mike to be with me each step of the way.

This morning, my alarm went off mid-dream again (6:37am), and I snoozed back to sleep for another half an hour. I adjusted my alarm back 15 minutes to better sync my sleep schedule. I got ready and jogged to the Hofgarten (which is all barricaded up as they continue to clean it up). I calculated (using the Moves app) that I am running about an 8 minute mile (2.8km in 15 minutes) which is not bad. However, today I'm feeling sore in the legs; hopefully continuing to exercise helps with that.

Anyway, off to work - Yildiz is preparing Frühstuck for us! (Also her last week...)

Back to work yesterday.
Mike returned from his camping trip. He was looking good - tan, happy, and I have noticed that he's getting more fit; his arms are getting muscular.
I am keeping up with work.
Met with Kila - discussed projects. I think I have been falling behind as a supervisor; I have neglected to give her enough interesting work.

Back home. I cooked cevapcici with peas/carrots and rice. Was good. Watched Hunger Games: Catching Fire but I was only paying half attention.

Distracted myself with hookup apps, etc., but still nothing caught on.

My apartment is lonely. I really wish I had a roommate. I only want Mike as my roommate. I still feel rejected by him, when I think about what good friends we were before.

I feel antisocial. Like there's no point in me socializing with anyone. I am not the sunny, happy, spontaneous person I used to be. As I was falling asleep, I thought about 1 year ago, when we went to the swimming pool in Flingern. There, I (along with Emilio, Mike, and Daniel) jumped off the 10m board. That's like jumping off a 4 story building! It was terrifying, but I did it. I cannot imagine doing that anymore. What has happened to me?!

I set my alarm earlier (6:37) but it woke me up mid-dream, so I was extra groggy. I jogged this morning (usual 15 minute run), this time to Nordstraße and back. My legs are getting sore; it's hard to motivate myself to work out.

Anyway, off to work!

It's 7:45am. I just went for a jog, and it started pouring rain during my run. I came back tot eh apartment soaked and sweaty. The sweat was also pouring out of my pores.

I'm hoping the rain will die down, for at least a little bit, so I can ride my bike to work.

My weekend was relatively boring. Stayed inside. I organized my bedroom, including rearranging the furtiture. I now have space for a couch.

It was a hot and sunny weekend. But I didn't go outside. I didn't want my skin to get any darker.

I am trying to be a better person, but I'm finding it difficult. Again, it all depends on Mike. He went camping this weekend with some friends back in the Netherlands, and he even went sailing. I should be happy that he had a good time, but I find myself falling back into jealousy. I almost booked a flight to Spain this weekend just to "one-up" him.

Part of me thinks that I should withdraw (even further) from my coworkers and all the work activities we have. Because I just feel bad that I am so left out of it all the time. Düsseldorf is not my life; my life is in California. (Well, no it's not, my life is here now, but I often feel like my "life" is elsewhere, which drives me to travel and move away again.)

Anyway, looking forward to this week. What will be my detox? No hesitation. No complaining. No posting on Facebook. No smartphone. No staying late at work. Let's see how this goes.

Work. 10am. Waited over 30 minutes for my laptop to startup.
Had the weekly "team America" meeting.
I'm not sure if I'm doing so well at my job. I'm worried that I'm doing a shitty job.

Finished work around 6pm; I was determined to go home "on time" for once, but I just kept on answering emails and called my mom (to say hi). Some close family friends are having serious health problems. And I need to face it - my parent's generation is old and at the age when they start passing away :(

There was the expat meetup tonight. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go; just going home and being lazy was an appealing option. But the weather was so nice, and I was still in a "yes man" kind of mood after the last weeks, so I did go. (I almost backed out and went home when my way was blocked by the Rollnacht group). But I did go - it was outside Uerige. The crowd was largely people in Düsseldorf for short-term work assignments, many from India. A couple of people were planning to stay long term.

Some people I met:
Nandy from India. Studied/lived in Frankfurt and now works for Accenture in Düsseldorf
Montsé (Monteserrat?) and her husband Luís, from Mexico (Cancún). They almost lived in Norway but instead came here when Montse got a job.
Elli from Lebanon. Montse's coworker.
Maria - born and raised in Germany but of Greek descent. She is trnasitioning to "be he own boss" as a part of a network marketing scheme.
Two guys from India who work for Ericsson (only here for 3-6 months) and live in the same apartment building.

In the end, I'm glad I went to the meetup. It feels good to meet people, even if they are just one-off meetings. :)

It's exactly 7 years since 7/7/07 :)

Monday at work.

I spent the morning dealing with the aftermath of our 4th of July party. Iris was very pissed off (and rightfully so) because there was a shopping cart left on the 6th floor, along with melted ice cream in the kitchen, which Anton had to clean. I was chasing everyone for their receipts and trying to calculate the total amount to be reimbursed. Was a mess.

Everyone was feeling a bit down today. Yildiz told me "I'm glad I went to Kaiser's alone, because I'm not in a good mood."

Kila has decided to join our trip to Serbia this week! She's coming on Friday with Patrick (first to Budapest, then meeting us in Novi Sad).

I couldn't focus that much on work.

Mike came over to my place after work, and I made him sloppy joes. It was an outcome of last week's "Yes week". It was another gezelig evening. He ended up going through my Tinder and saying yes/no :) I was able to open up to him about sex life (a bit) and all that. Felt good - like my best friend was back, though not as intense as our friendship was before.

And because I write so many emails each day, I'm tempted to end this post as follows:

Best,
Jason

This week, my "detox" was threefold: Wake up every day at 6:45am; go for a run in the morning; and fast (not eat anything before 1pm, aka "intermittent fasting").

The results were immediate! On Sunday, I was up early and decided to go for a jog around the Zoopark. I did not eat anything afterwards, but wow, I had so much energy and felt so good! I didn't know whether to attribute it to the fasting or to the exercise, so I decided to stick with both.

So, everyday I have been jogging, either around the Zoopark, Hofgarten, or along the new development/park area next to the train tracks (Toulouser Allee). I have felt so much better physically. I felt that it also strengthened my self-discipline (which I know I lack).

However, this all came crashing down on Thursday, when the US played Germany, and I succumbed to the hedonistic drinking lifestyle. I was also resentful at Mike and Toby for not inviting me out the night before (they joined the APAC team event). I ended up breaking down and feeling depressed again. Which was unexpected but came over me like a wave.

Anyway, a day-by-day breakdown of the week:
(Saturday, 21 June - walked to uRepair and got my phone fixed).

Sunday, 22 June
Woke up early. Jogged around the Zoopark. Went to the office and got some work done (all before 12:00). Organized my room/apt a bit more. Walked around the new development, discovered a lot of cool apartment buildings. Did not stay up late to watch the US-Portugal game (which I regretted; it was apparently a good game, and we should have won!).

Monday, 23 June
Jogged around Hofgarten at 7am. Trees still down everywhere. Work. Kila is away the whole week, so I have to do all the daily tasks for both of us. This is a bit overwhelming, and I am only getting 20% of my work done.

Tuesday, 24 June
Jogged around Toulouser Allee.

Wednesday, 25 June
Workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...

Thursday, 26 June
USA vs Germany! Final game of the group stage. Watched at the office. Sat with Justin; Syd and Sara and the Canadians in front. Patrick and I were wearing the flags.
Went to Altstadt afterwards; I stubbornly insisted on Space Burger because everyone else was insisting on going to some beef brothers place that I had never heard of. Nick joined us.
Mike went home; I had texted him some hateful things.
Met with Kate and her new friends (from the expat group) Leanna and ...?

Friday, 27 June
No jogging; slightly hung over.Stressful day at work. Had to finish everything before 2pm because of this product brainstorming meeting. Thomas pulled me out of the meeting to pack our stuff (we needed it done before 5pm). I was so angry. I needed to stay at the office until late to get my work done. I finished packing, waited until everyone else left, then I biked home alone.

Watched more Community.
Downloaded some apps to promote/boost my twitter, instagram, and (the company's) Tumblr. Also got on Tinder.

Saturday, 28 June
Stayed at home. Did my groceries and then it started raining. Win. Jogged around Zoopark. 

Phone is dead. Left it at home.
Last night: Brazil 0 - 0 Mexico. GR searching.
Woke up ~7:30 (no longer have an alarm because phone is dead!). Trimmed my beard. Still running the apartment with no warm water.
Uploaded Amsterdam Kings Day photos and responded to my birthday wishes on FB. Finally!
My watch is also broken. Ugh! Dropped off my khakis at the donation bin.

Work ~10:00. B2K run yesterday - many coworkers participated. It was apparently crowded.
(I need to get running shoes).
Work - pushing for new opportunities, and just keeping up with existing campaign. Had three calls today.
DECIDING WHO TO HIRE. !!!
Lunch with Talal. Went to Lecker Eck. To discuss LSE. He's an ambitious guy, looking to become a powerful politician. Impressive. Maybe a little full of himself, but he does have the family behind him so who knows.

Went home, cooked some chicken cordon bleu (from frozen) with potatoes, watched some House of Cards, and slept. Couldn't find any company.

I don't like living without a smartphone.

USA 2 - 1 Ghana! WIN! Great (and lucky) last minute header to give us the victory. I'll take it.
(I woke up at 01:00 just to watch the game).
Woke up early (06:45) to Hangout with Jenn and Cassy (Leslie's connection was bad). Talked about mindfulness and self-improvement. Was a good motivator. Shared TED talks.
I'm feeling good :) A bit of exercise in the morning helps! Or maybe I'm happy to talk with friends? Or happy that Team USA won? Or just happy!
This week's detox: Read 50 pages a day> let's see.
09:40 @ office. Cool, cloudy weather. The early heat wave is long gone.
I may need tob uy a new Phone. My phone is not charging above 30% anymore now :(
Working on Tumblr.
Tweeting a little bit at work :)
Usual dealing with existing campaigns.
Scheduling as many student loan payments as I can fit in.

Lunch: Welcome lunch for the new member of Team USA - Perry, from Florida. I gave her a pear. Had Italian food (lasagne). Jeremy and Sara are quite friendly.

Cupcakes. (aka using up Jeremy's leftover frosting from Friday's bbq)
Franco trying to hang up the IT flag
Dealing with TZ (Kelsie leaving the company; they are neglecting our account).

Sunday, 8 June 2014
Kiesgrube Sonntag!
Went to Neuss with Mike and Jeroen. We walked 20 minutes to find the Kiesgrube (an outdoor music/alternative festival). At the entrance, we met Kila, Franco, Didem, Olus and her brother! It was a warm sunny day; perfect to be outside. Actually a bit too warm perhaps. We planted ourselves in the shade and threw money in a pot to buy rounds of beers. Later, Nick, Katie, and Jojo joined us. Francesco and Toby could not get in! WTF.

Monday, 9 June 2014
It's Pfingsten, which is a public holiday. It was also extremely hot, so we spent the day at the lake. Instead of going to Unterbacher See, Mike, Lisa, Toby, and I biked to Elbsee, which was nearby (and free). However, it was not easy to get to. We met Iris there and we tried to find a place, pushing our bikes through mud and dense vegetation. Katie, Nick, and Jojo came in Jojo's car and met us there. We were roasting in the hot sun! But the lake water was thankfully very cool and refreshing.
The evening saw one of the worst storms in Germany's history tear through Düsseldorf. And I was in the middle of it. Biking home, and out of nowhere - BOOM! - howling winds, torrential rains (as if I was standing under a waterfall. My bike was blown out of my hands and tree branches were falling all around me. I had to take shelter, so I ran (completely soaked) to Mike's apartment just three blocks away. There, I rode out the storm with Mike and Toby. I took off all my soaked clothes, and there we sat, in awe at the unbelievable storm that was pummeling the city.

I left around 10pm, after the storm had passed. I picked up my bike. The streets were littered with the remnants of trees. Jacobistraße was blocked. It was unbelievable.

Tuesday, 14 June 2014
Back to work. Or sort of. The streets were (of course) covered with downed trees. The trams and U-Bahn were not running. I could not bike easily. The little park was a jungle/warzone. I had to go on the street in several points.

This week my "detox" is to give up worrying about the past or about the future. It's a bit of a BS choice, since I couldn't go vegetarian just yet (BBQ this week)

During Lunch, I bought a sandwich from the bakery with Jojo. As we were walking back, a TV crew asked to film us. We were thus on TV that evening! (ZDF)

Thursday, 12 June 2014
Work.
WORLD CUP OPENER! Went to Ratinger with Francesco. Toby and Mike joined us to watch Brazil defeat Croatia. The bars were not so crowded, but it won't be that way on the weekend (or when Germany plays).

Friday, 13 June 2014
World Cup Brunch
Team Event BBQ / Band (The Roomers) / Katie's Goodbye / Netherlands defeats Spain 5-1!!!!!

Music: Two Door Cinema Club - Changing of the Seasons

Germans (Europeans) like to follow the rules; Americans are taught to challenge/break the rules.

New Blog Template! Let's see if I can stick to this.

Summary of today: Work, lunch with the Ricardo's goodbye. Rested at home, then joined Toby, "Anton", and Ricardo at Stahlwerk.

Weather: Warm and sunny. As perfect as it could be :)
Something that did go my way: Two new campaigns now have pixels live / have just launched!
Something that didn't go my way: My bike is riding slower.
Something I did that scared me: I almost "broke down" again towards Mike (over WhatsApp). But I didn't - I restrained myself.
Something new: Met a girl from China (think she's only here temporarily)
Fun thing that happened: Stahlwerk party was fun
What will be better tomorrow: No work! Can do shopping and tidy up my flat.
Music: Echosmith - Cool Kids

Woke up around 7am but chilled in my apartment for some time. It's still a mess.

I had dinner at Mike's last night. It was chill, but also a bit un-passionate about each other. I'm learning not to be as open with him. It still hurts, but I'm becoming numb to the pain.

Took only 6 minutes to bike back to my place from Mike's.

Biked to work (for the first time, since I went to the Auslanderamt yesterday). Discovered a big traffic jam around Rochusstraße and Sternstraße. Hmm.

Spent the morning making the interview/reject decision on all my applicants. Then the usual, optimizing campaigns, setting up stuff, waiting for our docs/databases to load.

Lunch: Mensa. Had a big bowl of eintopf. Ricardo was talking about his "dilemma" of a job offer while he already signed up for his new job in Dublin.

Afternoon was busy. I had 3 phone calls with potential new partners.

I am, however, less stressy now that I have stopped drinking coffee. It's good. I do plan to start drinking decaf.

This week, my "detox" is no alcohol. Let's see how this goes, especially come beer time.

After work, most of my team went to Ratinger Straße to drink. The rain had cleared. Also, Victoria is in town for a few days!

I went to Woolworth (again) at 7:30pm. Today, I bought a clothes drying rack, so I can finally wash/dry my clothes! Woot.

I left my bike at Woolworth (to carry my clothes rack with me). Walked home. Cooked the rest of the chicken and ate the leftovers from my dinner with Mike yesterday. I felt a bit of the soul-crushing loneliness of living alone. This is the first time that I have lived by myself, I realized. I have always (even when traveling) come home at the end of the day and had someone there who was happy to see me. I now need to learn to cheer myself up on my own. Sigh.

Cut my hair. New month, new look. 

I have so much to get /buy for my flat. I plan to just get one thing per day, so I'm not overwhelmed. I can adjust to living simply in the meantime. 

Caffeine (coffee) free for 1 week now. Results are good. I'm less stressy. 

It's a holiday in Germany today, so I have the day off :)

Nico and Oli are in town. But Oli went to Köln with his friend Manu to party. Nico stayed over. And Matze is also in town! He also stayed over (sleeping on the floor).

Last night (Wednesday) was "Feierabend" (celebration evening?) because today is a holiday. I was drinking in the Altstadt for a bit with Oli, Nico, Manu, his girlfriend, and her friend. We went into the art school and smoked a bit on the roof (including climbing on the scaffolding). Oli and Manu left for Cologne. Matze arrived around 11pm (his mitfahrgelegenheit was really delayed), and there in front of McDonalds was Jose and some other spanish-speakers to greet him. And Mike also arrived. We drank on the Rheintreppen, and then Mike went home.

Tired, we chilled at my new apartment. Rolled a few with Nico. And Matze and I just crashed at the new apartment, Matze taking the floor.

The day today was chill. Our main task: Moving my stuff out of my apartment. So we went there, together, and I frantically packed my stuff. Nico and Matze helped me carry a couple luggages full of stuff to my new flat. After that, we went to trivago, just to show the office to Nico. Pavlina was there, and a couple other people. We had a beer while walking around.

Went into the Altstadt and had some quick food (fries). Nico left back for Munich, we said our "see-you-laters". Matze and I retreated to my (new) flat.

In the evening, we had a dinner for Matze at Ab der Fisch, which is only a couple blocks from me in Pempelfort. There was Danny, Francesco, Carl, Toby, Pavli, and (later) Mike. Had a few beers and some chili con carne; enjoyed it.

Oli returned in the evening; he had a great time in Cologne. Matze and I missed the last train back (by seconds; and then another tram came as we were walking back, but we couldn't get to it in time!), so I decided to give him my bike so he could bike to my other flat (where his stuff was) and sleep there, while I stayed with Oli. Complicated, but it worked out.

I'm back (to blogging... I would like to fill in all the missed days in the past, but let's be realistic)

I'm back! From my nearly non-stop traveling. I just returned late last night (1am) from Stockholm via Amsterdam. The train from Schiphol didn't stop at Oberhausen or Duisburg, but it was nevertheless 15 minutes behind schedule as it arrived in Düsseldorf. And then, my tram home was not running anymore. So I just took the U-Bahn and walked. Luckily it was not raining. Once back home, I was simply exhausted.

Slept until 9am. I was still not fully rested.

Quote of the day: "I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom"

I had no energy to unpack, let alone repack (I have to move all my stuff to my new flat this week).

Matze is coming this week! Wednesday night.

Ironically, Thomas told me that we could/should go to Hamburg this Friday (and possibly stay longer).

Now I am more aware of my mental health and want to actively keep it strong. I have once again been inspired to go through a process of self-improvement. However, I'm not going to start cold turkey all at once, but have a checklist of things that I want to try for 1 week at a time (eating no gluten, no caffeine, running 5km/day, contacting one past friend per day, etc.). It's a test of my willpower and focus. Let's see how this goes.

Work was - boring. Apparently a bunch of people went to the Netherlands (Stamproy) this weekend. Even though I was enjoying my time in Stockholm, I felt left out.

Lunch: Mensa. With Antonis, Miikka, Toby, Ricardo, Marina, Vale

Back at the apartment, Anton was there. He was excited to see me back again, and he was happy to tell me about his fun times getting smashed in Stuttgart and smashing our new neighbor upstairs.

I could not sit on the couch anymore, because he told me that Badi brought back a tramp from the street who actually pissed on the couch! Disgusting. I'm not taking the couch to my new flat.

I went to bed around 10pm, and I soon fell asleep. Woke up at 7:30am, still didn't organize or clean anything, nor did I unpack. I'm simply unmotivated. I think I just have nothing exciting to look forward to, and without Mike around to give me energy, I just want to stay alone and be pitiful. :/ Anyway, that's the downside of living away from home. Blah, it's not me, but it is at this moment.

Anyway, enough venting. I actually feel quite good. 

So update: I'm in Düsseldorf for a few days; just returned from my bday weekend trip to Sicily, and I'm going to Amsterdam on Saturday to pick up my mom and uncle. We'll then be traveling together for te next two weeks!

Lies was sedated last night and passed away this morning. On Laura's birthday :( it's making Mike sad, obviously, as it makes me sad. 

Work is the same, though I don't have the initiative that I did before. 

My "birthday surprise" was yesterday: bacon cupcakes in the office :)

Sicily was a good trip, though our group was not as cohesive as I had hoped. Also dampened by the fact that Mike lost his passport and I still felt sad every time I saw him (for at least the first few days). We had a good talk on the last day of the trip and became gezelig all over again :)

General stuff: I'm sort of looking for a new flat. I viewed a shared flat this past Friday and studio flat on Saturday (with Sonia). The main reason for my flat search is to be around all my friends, especially to be closer to Mike. I hate that I live to far away and don't get to interact with everyone on a regular basis. And I don't have the energy to bike "all the way" into the city every weekend. I want to have a social life and to be at the center of my friends'.
I'm still recovering from my cold last week. My nose is continually stuffed, and it's a bit hard for me to concentrate.
I cut my hair (with the new clippers I bought online). Yay grooming.
On Saturday, I joined Jojo, Katie, Nick, and Toby for a sunset chill session by the river. I passed out early.

Monday, 10 March 2014
Work. There is a lot of work to do. As always. I stayed at the office until 8-9pm. Mike was there until 10pm. I'm trying to be more open with him.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014
Stayed at the office and joined the Capoeira lesson. It was surprisingly fun and not too difficult (compared to how it looks). However, for the next few days my legs got pretty sore.
I wanted to hang out with Mike but he left the office early - he had a date with Caro. He posted on Facebook (around 11:30pm) "feeling on Cloud 9" - I think I know what this means.
At home, Anton and I ordered Chinese food delivery. (He is now working at the hospital, from 7am to 4pm.)

Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Work is busy as usual. I find it hard to concentrate.
We visited our new office space in the SkyOffice building. It is still under construction and being decorated. I found my hometown (LA represent!) on the 6th floor.
I slept early (like 9:30pm) and woke up at 6am.

Thursday, 13 March 2014
Team event/BBQ in the park! I helped prepare, walking with Yildiz, Franco, and Toby to Kaisers. It was nice. Lasted until 8pm, then we stayed in the office and streamed some football (Rob really needed to see Tottenham v Benfika; unfortunately Tottenham went down 3-1).

09:20.
I week until I'm in LA! 4 days until NYC!
Nice weather all week :)
Organizing my emails (adding rules/folders)
Moving day this weekend - we're moving to the other building - need to pack everything on Friday.
Slow internet = coffee break.
Lunch: Bought bread from Kaisers; joined Yildiz and Claude on the 11th floor terrace. Met Lucas and Konstantinos (new hires)
Call - display CPM agency/network
Call - email network

09:20
Torsten will do my taxes! :)
Made an internship offer to Greg; no relocation, but raised the base salary to compensate.
Optimizing campaigns.
Adding Keywords.
Regional manager meeting.
Call.
Call.

Capoeira academy. I got pulled in to it - was actually fun and a good workout. Not that hard to learn!

Ordered Chinese food with Anton. Mike was out on a "date" with Caro (still has not admitted to me that he's seeing her, still bothers me).

08:55 at the office. Woke up at 05:45. Still recovering.
GDN - optimized it from home.
Sunshine. Feels good.
Figuring out the correct banner sizes for mobile.
Lunch: Italian to welcome our new American, Jeremy; and semi-new Canadian, Claude.
Calls.
Break - lay in the sun with Mike :) and Toby. Was gezelig.

Wednesday night, 26 February - Toby Arrives
Drank and smoked and stayed in the flat.

Thursday, 27 February - The Party at the Office
Had about 1 hour of productivity before the beers and party started at 11am.
I was really impressed by the quality and diversity of my coworkers' karnaval costumes!
Walked to Altstadt along the Rhine

Friday, 28 February - The "Down Day"
There was an error fare to Los Angeles - round-trip flights from €112! I'M SUCH AN IDIOT FOR NOT BOOKING 5 TICKETS RIGHT NOW.
Work work.
Waldemar's last day.
Jojo's last day.
Party at Victor's place. Biked there with Mike but didn't have any big talk.
It was also Kate's last day (!?!!)

Saturday, 1 March - Köln Alaaf
Bought some food in the morning from REWE. Sorted out Toby and Anton.
"When do you go?" "When everyone wakes up"
Randomly met a lot of people at the Hbf, and we all traveled together.
Became the tour group leader (as usual) and tried to keep the group together.
The group fell apart - Petr and his group split off; Katie and Nick went to Brogie's.
Did not get to meet Sam.

Sunday, 2 March - Recovery
Fixing our hangover with my freshly-prepared beef with broccoli.

Monday, 3 March - Productivity
I chose not to joint the group of people going to Köln today.
Emailed out the details (flight to book) for my bday weekend.
Jogged.
The post office was closed.
Bought food at REWE.
Went to the office

Friday, 14 February 2014
Work as usual. Busy busy busy. Katie gave out Kinder Surprises for Valentine's Day. I'm still upset with Mike.
Drinking after work. Drinking games included horse racing and Irish Poker, both were fun. I bounced home around 10:30pm and packed my bags! :X

Saturday, 15 February 2014
Up early - 4am - to finish packing and to get to my flight. I ordered a taxi to take me to the airport at 5:20am, and got to the airport around 05:40. I had my boarding pass, so I just needed to get to the gate. At security, there was a priority line that I assumed I was not allowed into, so I waited in the other queue.

There was a Russian (?) family of old people in front of me who did not speak German or English. So the security officer told the man to remove the water bottle from his bag, he didn't understand. It took maybe 5 minutes (!) before he finally did it, and he walked so slowly to the trash can to get rid of it. And the older women/men with him - they were the same! All so slow. After about 10 minutes of that BS, I realized that my flight had already been boarding for some time, and I finally saw another security line open at the other end. I dashed there, already with everything in my jacket, and whizzed through. Then there was the passport check, which was also a bottleneck. There was a man who was being interrogated by one of the officers. A couple of Albanian women with a child were in front of me. Not as big of a delay, but still a delay. It was 06:15 and my flight was at 06:30. I should have been ok. But oddly, I didn't see the flight displayed on any of the screens. I rushed downstairs to the gate. The attendants were there. I ran to them, boarding pass in hand. But I knew from the first word they said that it was too late - "sorry..."

So I missed my flight. I begged the attendants to let me on. But the shuttle bus to the plane had already left. Fuck that shit. I begged some more. But there was no other airberlin flight to London that day. I had to simply buy another ticket. Embarrassingly, I had to go through immigration again to re-enter the airport terminal. I went to the British Airways counter, and they had the soonest flight, leaving at 07:15. Ok, I thought, If it costs like €200, that's ok. My return flight is still valid. And I have to get to London! The flight cost something like €245, which I stomached. The woman selling the ticket was new, so she was slow to figure out the system. And when I handed her my card, she said they don't take bank cards, only credit or cash. So I had to rush to find a cash machine. I dashed to the shopping area and did it - the machine charged me a fee of like €4, ridiculous but necessary. I handed the cash over, and soon I had my ticket. I ran to security (which had no wait this time), breezed through immigration, and was soon at the boarding gate. They were just about to start boarding, so it was perfect time.

The flight was mostly empty, maybe 25 people in total. And I got breakfast too - a sandwich. I then filled out my landing card for the UK Immigration people. However, the adventure was not over yet! There was a storm that had passed through the UK overnight; the winds were still blowing but starting to calm down, and there were many residual delays for flights coming into Heathrow. So our flight had to circle above London for about 30 minutes (making at least 3 circles in the sky) before we could descend to land. It was like the world did not want me to get into London that morning! Finally, the plane made its final approach, but as we got close to the ground, winds started buffeting the plane. The plane tilted heavily from side to side. We were only about 200 meters off the ground and the plane was still not steady! Soon, I could see the start of the airport, but the winds were still making the plane rock from side to side. Shit, I thought, there's a good chance the wing of this plane could get slammed into the runway as we land. Ironically, I did not feel stressed about this at all. After all the stress of the morning, a little plane crash was nothing to worry about.

The plane landed safely. Kudos to the pilot for doing such a good job. I dashed out, got to immigration, had my little immigration interview, then tried to figure out my SIM card situation. Finally, something was working in my favor: "In this time of distress, all Heathrow wifi is now free and open for all" - so I was able to connect to wifi, download the API settings, and contact Angela. I got on the tube - my oyster card still had £18 of credit on it, yay! And my phone worked, so I could connect as I was on the tube, yay!

I LOVE THE FEELING OF RIDING THE PICCADILLY LINE INTO THE CITY. It reminded me of my first arrival in London. The weather was clearing up, sunny. People crammed into the train. It was London, it was exciting! Tourists, immigrants, bankers, waitresses, retirees, teenagers, hipsters, nerds, loners, socialites - everyone together in one Tube car. This is life, people! And it's all in London. That is the energy I get.

Last weekend I went to Hamburg. It was great.

• The rideshare there (Friday, 7 February) was a bit of an adventure. It was Christi (the driver) and two female ridesharers in the car with me. We left Düsseldorf, but shortly thereafter, a car on the autobahn notified us that our car's rear lights were out, so we had to stop at a gas station and replace them. Also, the oil tank lid was broken (missing a rubber o-ring) and we drove around for some time to replace it. (This was a bit stressful as we didn't know where to go and all the stores were already closing at 6-7pm). After that, I slept almost the entire way to Hamburg.
• Arrived around 11pm. Matze picked me up at the Hbf and we went to his place (nearby, a student dorm at Berliner Tor). There, we chilled. "Make it strong" I said, haha!
• Next day was slow. We walked a little bit along the Alster, had a coffee, and went to Kleidermarkt, where I bought a nice suit jacket for €25 - deal! We bought some ingredients from Real and made burgers for dinner. Matze invited some classmates over - Kersten, Selma, and Selma's friend.
• We drank quite a bit and then went out around 12:30am to the Reeperbahn (Hamburger Berg). Started with Mexicaner shots, then on to the next bar for some dancing (oldies, funk, disco, classic rock, reggae, oh my!) at Sonnensomething. At the second bar we were at, just across the street, I ran into Saskia! What a crazy coincidence.
• We ended up dancing and at the fischmarkt until 7am. They was a band playing classics rock and roll/50s/60s/70s/disco/etc., which was awesome. Kerstin suddenly went home, which was a disappointment. Matze, Selma and I waited for the sunrise. We ran to catch a ferry across the harbor and parted ways at Landungsbrücken.
• Slept through most of the Sunday. I got up around 3pm, made some eggs, then said bye. I went to Nicki's place just for a quick chat. It was good to see her and catch up with her.

Monday
Got up around 8:15. Had vollkornbrot and frischkäse for breakfast. The sun is rising a few minutes earlier, like 8:30 instead of 8:55, but it still is dim and the middle of winter. I can't wait for longer and warmer days.

Anton is busy and a little stressed over his exams, which start this Wednesday. He also still has lectures this week. I emailed Anselm about the additional bill (for utilities, etc.) for 2013. I didn't realize we were expected to!

I went to work later than usual, around 9:30. I realized that I am giving Kila the impression to always be at work by 9 when really I am flexible and don't care.

Work was full of things to do, just keeping up with our campaigns. Luckily Kila is able to help me with some things.

Lunch: Mensa with Carl, Toby, Nicole, Miikka, Yati, and Rob.

It's cold. I should wear one more layer.

I should also buy new winter clothes (from Primark). But I am stubbornly trying to make it to the end of the month without withdrawing additional cash from my account. Living cheaply comes at a cost.

I am trying to get over Mike. I didn't talk to him at all today, and I resisted the urge to bother him. I need to be my own person, and being so (emotionally and socially) dependent on him is not good for either of us.

One publisher frantically emailed "Jason make sure you have the materials to us by 12pm ET." So I rushed Toby to set it up in one hour. Cool.

I stayed at work a bit late, with Nicole, to plan our trip to London! It looks like President's Day weekend will be it. We'll book the flights today.

I drank no coffee today. Success.

Home. Had some dinner with Anton, then chilled on the couch. It's nice to have a couch in the kitchen.
Trying to make new friends in the area, meeting them online. I know it sounds weird, but it's 2014 people, c'mon!

Friday, 24 January 2013
Work continues to be busy, partly because of my new intern. I am creating tasks for her to do, but I still have a lot to teach her before she moves forward. However, the French team at work is really happy with her, as she is a definite francophile.

I stayed at the office for some beers. Mike was too busy chatting with others (Jules, Nick) to talk to me. I did not go out with Toby, Yati, etc. - I just biked home.

Saturday, 25 January 2013
I was up and awake at a decent hour. I didn't go shopping to REWE, though. I thought I had left my wallet at the office, so I went there but found nothing. (My wallet was just on my desk, d'oh!) Mike was in Cologne with Caro. I had a mini-vent against him and am trying to control how angry I feel that we aren't talking. I just need to get over it, and with time it will feel better.

Francesco and I planned a "spontaneous" night out that turned into a house party at Nicole and Ricardo's in Oberbilk/Volksgarten. It was a bit awkward that her flatmate and her friends were over. It was also not easy to find the flat, and it's doorbell didn't work. But we had fun. Got quite drunk. I stayed and didn't go out to the club. It was raining. I biked back to Mike's place to use the internet outside his door and he and Caro were just returning. I guess I am really jealous that they are together and I no longer have Mike. But I will get over it.

I biked home in the rain.

Sunday, 26 January 2013
I was a bit hungover. Made a nice big "half English" breakfast with Anton (bacon, eggs, beans) that really helped. I just chilled at home the whole day, staying very unproductive. I ordered earbuds and a replacement "yolo" jewelry-holding hand for Nicole (which I broke at the party). I called my mom, and she wants me to write her speech for her before she goes to the Philippines this next weekend. Watched The Wolf of Wall Street, since everyone has been talking about it, I enjoyed it but was also affected by all the hype it had received.

I'm looking to replace Mike. He clearly doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. 

Over a month since my last post... Ooops.