Jason's Daily Notes

I woke up mid-dream (dreaming that I was with friends and trivago people in some sort of education system, in between a high school and a summer camp). I decided not to go for my morning run; instead, I had a cup of instant coffee and spent and hour tagging people in the big Sicily Facebook photo album, and posting that album.

Got to work around 9:30. Was busy, non-stop, keeping up with campaigns. 

For lunch we had a welcome BBQ in the park for the 3 new display teammates (Sara, Saff, and Fani) and for the two new Americans (Sam and Jayda the Canadian). I was frantically trying to find them before lunch; they were just in a meeting that went long. The BBQ itself was nice; it was warm and sunny, and we'd have enough blankets after all. 

The rest of the afternoon was stressful. I was trying to take care of everything myself, which I simply did not have time to do. Had my call with Gerald. And before I knew it, it was already time to leave for Squash. 

Mike and Anna biked faster than me. I could tell that they were very flirty with each other. It was a 30 minute bike ride to Cosmo Sports; we got changed and waited for Dirk to arrive in his car with the girls (Julia, whom I met, and Tina) and Phil. 

Mike taught me the rules as he was warming up the ball. I played with the girls and with Dirk, who was the only challenge I had. It was good. 

We finished, showered with Mike and Dirk, and biked back with Mike and Anna. They were quiet and tired on the way back, but I was energetic and floating on post-workout endorphins. Mike did not want me to come over to his place, again. "Thursday," he said. 

Back home. I watched two episodes of Homeland (finished season 3; all caught up)! And had two pieces of bread. I did not have the willpower to fast. 

Work work work. My life is work. I even dream about work now.

I spent several hours explaining the inner workings of GDN.

What was important about today was that I got a couch! I had found it online, and I organized a transport company to pick it up. Mike helped me. And I got Antonis to help as well. It was not far from the office, just a few blocks away. We helped the guys move some stuff out of their flat (name was Alex, and his friend). The driver was waiting for us. However, he refused to take the 3 of us in his car. This annoyed me. But Mike insisted that it was ok for him to bike to my flat and meet us there. I just saw this as another instance in which I try to do something and it doesn't work out as well.

Anyway, Antonis and I carried two of the pieces up to my flat (the couch came in 2 pieces, and we also had a chest of drawers that I took).

After that, we chilled for a bit in my flat, but I could see that Antonis wanted to go and Mike was only comfortable sitting and looking into his phone.

So we went. To Hirschen. My treat. I was happy to pay for them; I got a bonus after all. I didn't want to feel like bragging/boasting, but I think it came across as that.

At least I got to leave work early (6pm), for the first time in a long time.

I need to:

• Take care of myself (physically and mentally)
• Stay calm. Don't get too excited when in social situations.
• Stop making fun of other people. Even if it is light-hearted, it's still the wrong way to talk about other people.
• Stop feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I'm miserable at times, but I am also having a great life.

I deactivated my Facebook profile.

Going into the weekend, I thought that I would spend Sunday on a day trip to Aachen, or somewhere.

Saturday, I was a bit productive. I jogged. Not inspired to go shopping, I stayed in for the day. I went to Kaiser's to do my weekly shopping. I did, however, finally clean up my apartment. I mopped the floor, wiped down my kitchen, rearranged some furniture, and cleaned the bathroom. I also washed my shower curtains.

I have gotten into watching movies (finally - I have a lot, years' worth, to catch up on). I watched The Ides of March, Captain America: The First Avenger, and a couple episodes of Modern Family.

Downloaded some new apps too.

Slept well.

Sunday, I jogged - to Grunerstraße and back. Watched (finally, after 11 years) Finding Nemo, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and then I walked to the Hauptbahnhof.

I needed to pick up my personal Drive-Now access ID. This would allow me to use Drive Now, a ridesharing company. After over a month of waiting, I finally was free to go there. So I walked, dodging the warm burning sunlight along the way. I easily found the Sixt Rent-A-Car, and then I whip out my passport. "Do you live here in Germany?" she asks (in German). After I answer in the affirmative, then she immediatly demands my Anmeldungbescheinigung. Which I didn't have, and there was absolutely no warning that I needed it. I had brought my passport, my drivers license, and my debit card, as I was supposed to. But NO, she would not hear my pleas. Fuck, I was pissed. I stormed off and walked home angry. I just wanted my money back.

Came back home and watched Exit Through the Gift Shop. Waited for my Couchsurfer, if he would even show up. Meh.

My life is work. Again, I feel that I can't keep up with all that I need to do. Today, our rep from Googl is visiting the office, so I'll be occupied showing him around and bringing him to/from meetings. I also have to bring him to lunch and go out for the obligatory after-work drinks.

It's a bit much for me. I get exhausted from too much social interaction.

Yesterday was a day of work. I had Kila's Heads Up meeting, which required some preparation. I also had to prepare an onboarding presentation, which required more preparation.

Anyway, I slept from 9:30pm to 6:45am. So I'm well-rested.

I stayed late at work last night - until 10:15pm. I was working on my presentation for my semi-annual performance review. I actually was happy that I did, because I reflected on my contributions to the company and to my team, and on my personal (career) goals. It made me feel good, because I think that I am doing a good job and that I actually enjoy my work. (If I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't stay so late all the time.)

But so much for my weekly resolution to finish work before 6pm each day.

I am trying to be more outgoing/smile to people more. I'm still reading (slowly) How to Win Friends and Influence People and it's teaching me to focus on other people's perspective and focus on their needs.

Otherwise, not much happened at work, just the usual optimizing campaigns. I'm preparing for Gerald's visit on Friday. We had a team lunch with the "new guy" Joe. But the Portuguese place was closed, so we just ordered in Chinese food.

It was also Stephan's last day with us. We had a goodbye at 5:30pm. Good guy; I wish him well as he finishes his thesis in France.

Back home (at 10:30pm), I finished my leftover cevapcici and rice while watching another episode of Homeland. I'm getting used to this life (living alone). I'm learning to let go of my fussy expectations to be with friends all the time; I'm learning to live my own life and to not be dependent on Mike (or whomever else). After all, I'll be moving onwards on my own, for the rest of my life. It was stupid of me to expect Mike to be with me each step of the way.

This morning, my alarm went off mid-dream again (6:37am), and I snoozed back to sleep for another half an hour. I adjusted my alarm back 15 minutes to better sync my sleep schedule. I got ready and jogged to the Hofgarten (which is all barricaded up as they continue to clean it up). I calculated (using the Moves app) that I am running about an 8 minute mile (2.8km in 15 minutes) which is not bad. However, today I'm feeling sore in the legs; hopefully continuing to exercise helps with that.

Anyway, off to work - Yildiz is preparing Frühstuck for us! (Also her last week...)

Back to work yesterday.
Mike returned from his camping trip. He was looking good - tan, happy, and I have noticed that he's getting more fit; his arms are getting muscular.
I am keeping up with work.
Met with Kila - discussed projects. I think I have been falling behind as a supervisor; I have neglected to give her enough interesting work.

Back home. I cooked cevapcici with peas/carrots and rice. Was good. Watched Hunger Games: Catching Fire but I was only paying half attention.

Distracted myself with hookup apps, etc., but still nothing caught on.

My apartment is lonely. I really wish I had a roommate. I only want Mike as my roommate. I still feel rejected by him, when I think about what good friends we were before.

I feel antisocial. Like there's no point in me socializing with anyone. I am not the sunny, happy, spontaneous person I used to be. As I was falling asleep, I thought about 1 year ago, when we went to the swimming pool in Flingern. There, I (along with Emilio, Mike, and Daniel) jumped off the 10m board. That's like jumping off a 4 story building! It was terrifying, but I did it. I cannot imagine doing that anymore. What has happened to me?!

I set my alarm earlier (6:37) but it woke me up mid-dream, so I was extra groggy. I jogged this morning (usual 15 minute run), this time to Nordstraße and back. My legs are getting sore; it's hard to motivate myself to work out.

Anyway, off to work!

It's 7:45am. I just went for a jog, and it started pouring rain during my run. I came back tot eh apartment soaked and sweaty. The sweat was also pouring out of my pores.

I'm hoping the rain will die down, for at least a little bit, so I can ride my bike to work.

My weekend was relatively boring. Stayed inside. I organized my bedroom, including rearranging the furtiture. I now have space for a couch.

It was a hot and sunny weekend. But I didn't go outside. I didn't want my skin to get any darker.

I am trying to be a better person, but I'm finding it difficult. Again, it all depends on Mike. He went camping this weekend with some friends back in the Netherlands, and he even went sailing. I should be happy that he had a good time, but I find myself falling back into jealousy. I almost booked a flight to Spain this weekend just to "one-up" him.

Part of me thinks that I should withdraw (even further) from my coworkers and all the work activities we have. Because I just feel bad that I am so left out of it all the time. Düsseldorf is not my life; my life is in California. (Well, no it's not, my life is here now, but I often feel like my "life" is elsewhere, which drives me to travel and move away again.)

Anyway, looking forward to this week. What will be my detox? No hesitation. No complaining. No posting on Facebook. No smartphone. No staying late at work. Let's see how this goes.

Work. 10am. Waited over 30 minutes for my laptop to startup.
Had the weekly "team America" meeting.
I'm not sure if I'm doing so well at my job. I'm worried that I'm doing a shitty job.

Finished work around 6pm; I was determined to go home "on time" for once, but I just kept on answering emails and called my mom (to say hi). Some close family friends are having serious health problems. And I need to face it - my parent's generation is old and at the age when they start passing away :(

There was the expat meetup tonight. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go; just going home and being lazy was an appealing option. But the weather was so nice, and I was still in a "yes man" kind of mood after the last weeks, so I did go. (I almost backed out and went home when my way was blocked by the Rollnacht group). But I did go - it was outside Uerige. The crowd was largely people in Düsseldorf for short-term work assignments, many from India. A couple of people were planning to stay long term.

Some people I met:
Nandy from India. Studied/lived in Frankfurt and now works for Accenture in Düsseldorf
Montsé (Monteserrat?) and her husband Luís, from Mexico (Cancún). They almost lived in Norway but instead came here when Montse got a job.
Elli from Lebanon. Montse's coworker.
Maria - born and raised in Germany but of Greek descent. She is trnasitioning to "be he own boss" as a part of a network marketing scheme.
Two guys from India who work for Ericsson (only here for 3-6 months) and live in the same apartment building.

In the end, I'm glad I went to the meetup. It feels good to meet people, even if they are just one-off meetings. :)